I have been COACHING as an online heath and fitness coach for a whole year now. A WHOLE YEAR ALREADY!!! So, here is my 1 year coaching story………..
I have taken the past few weeks to reflect on the past year as a COACH and I am overwhelmed with emotions. Absolutely OVERWHELMED! I can honestly say that I did not expect to get anything out of this. I only hoped that I would make my self happier by becoming more fit and more healthy all around. I joined a challenge group for myself, I became a coach for the discount. That is all.
But once I started helping others, it was addicting. Seeing the passion light up in others. Seeing my challengers start to transform. Listening to my challengers and their transformation stories is like waking up Christmas morning as a kid and walking downstairs to a room full of surprises! Can you imagine Christmas Morning every day? That’s what it’s like to be a coach.
Helping others began to fuel me to keep going and reach out to as many people as I could. But something was always weighing on my mind. And I finally realized what it was. My dad! I lost my dad 4 years ago. And not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. He was my best friend. We had a very special Father/daughter relationship. And come to find out that my mom was even a little jealous of just how close we were. But she was jealous in a good way. And she was even proud of the fact that we were so close. I thought it was normal to be that close to your father, but come to find out, it’s not. I was that lucky! Our relationship was amazing. We talked everyday. About what, who knows? But no matter what I was doing or saying, he was all supportive. He was my biggest fan.
So, being on this journey of life, raising my children, and just living, has been extremely difficult with my best friend not here anymore. And the way he was taken from us was just not fair. My father suffered from depression. For several years this was something he battled with. And depression is an awful disease. Yes, it’s a disease, just like cancer, and it’s a disease with no cure. Depression is difficult because you can’t see it, it’s not tangible. But you can feel it, you can live it, and you can HATE it! Depression is MISERABLE! There’s nothing you can do. You want that person to just “snap” out of it. But it’s not that easy. My father was hospitalized several time for this. He had the best doctors in NYC, tried several medicines, therapies, and even new and innovative treatments. But nothing worked. He couldn’t “snap” out of it. And so after we lost him, I was mad at him. So angry at him. Why did he leave us? Why did he do this to us? Why did he to this to me? Why did he do this to my children? Why did he do this to my mother? We weren’t done with him? Was he done with us?
It was several months, if not years later that I realized it wasn’t him. It was it. It was depression. Depression was to blame for this, not my dad. He didn’t choose this. He didn’t control the outcome. He would never do that. He loved us all so much. He loved himself too much. My dad was the center of our universe. He was the heart of our family. He was the captain of our ship. (literally the captain – he loved boats, was in the NAVY, would’ve lived on the water if he could). So, he really did love life very much. The years that he lived were full! Full years of memories, experiences, and emotions. But it was those emotions that took over to a point where he was not in control anymore. He was not the captain anymore. He was unrecognizable. He looked the same, but he wasn’t the same. It was as if someone was wearing the costume of my dad, but my dad was gone. How could a disease take over like this and change my dad? Where did he go? It’s like he was gone before he was gone. And then small glimpses of him would show up every now and then and we were hopeful. Hopeful that something was working and that he would “snap” out of it.
Until one day there was no more hoping. We had lost him. The disease had won. And we were left alone without our captain.
And over this past year, as I have grown in so many ways as a coach, I have thought of him. I have thought how proud my dad would be of me. I remember when I scored my first soccer goal when I was probably around 4 years old. I can picture the grass, the trees, the breeze, my maroon and gold uniform, my cute little cleats and kneepads. It was my very first game. And, I had the ball, dribbled towards the goal, took a shot and I scored! I remember hearing my dad’s scream and then I just remember someone picking me up. Really high in the sky, and onto his shoulders. It was my dad. He had run out on the field, picked me up and was celebrating me. My first goal. I was 4!!! I remember this like it was yesterday.
And I like to think my dad would do that now if he was still here, and learned of the success I have had as a coach. If he knew of all the individuals that I have helped to guide on their own personal health and fitness journey, I truly think he might scream and come running and pick me up onto his shoulders. Boy, wouldn’t that be great! I often day dream about this moment. It’s hard when your biggest fan is there one day, and gone the next.
And, I’m happily married and still have my mom, but they were doing those things before so it’s not really fair to expect them to now. They don’t have to fill his shoes. That’s not their responsibility. I need to learn to deal with him not being here. But maybe I don’t. Maybe I can learn to live as if he were here. Live as if he was watching me all the time. Live as if he is always right next to me.
I like to think sometimes that I can feel his presence. Who knows if it really is him, but I like to think that is. And I will continue to think that it is. Because that brings me peace.
I can’t wait to get you started on your own journey!